Wow...I don't even know how to start of this post! I have so many emotions running through me about wednesday! i guess i'll just start with the whole story from the very beginning!
Tuesday night i did not want to go to sleep. I couldn't even comprehend what was going to happen in the morning but I had such a calm and peaceful feeling over me! I believe that was a huge thanks to some men in our ward who came and gave Luke and I blessings that night! I just laid there in bed trying to get myself to go to sleep so that I wouldn't think about seeing him leave and say goodbye to Britlyn! I was actually able to fall asleep pretty fast but I didn't sleep super good! The next morning I woke up just before 7 and he was already up so i decided to go out and sit with him! There wasn't a whole lot said at our house that morning! We had to be to the base by 10:00 so we were busy getting ready! The drive over to the base was probly one of the worst drives i've ever had! As I sat there and thought, I realized that was our last drive as a family of 3, Our last time riding in the car with daddy till Christmas! He kept adjusting the mirror so he could look back at her! It's amazing how you try and soak every little thing up, even just so much as looking at them! We take so much for granted! My heart was so sad and overwhelmed because she was so happy and she had no idea what was happening and how different things were going to be! I was glad she didn't understand so she wouldn't have to feel the pain and hurt, but i felt so sad for her! She has really clung to her daddy in the last couple months! When we got to the building where everyone's gear and luggage was, everything seemed so real! There were a few other soldiers there but we went pretty early so he could finish packing a few things! Britlyn was enjoying all the big luggage bins and played on them for a while, then Daddy found a basketball so they played catch for a while! I just took pictures :) There was a bunch of people there that kept coming up and talking to me and him and so we just stood around for a while...Then they told them it was time to load their luggage on the bus! It was an awful feeling knowing that the time was coming to an end and it was almost time to say goodbye...I was so dreading it and tried to think of things to do so i wouldn't loose it just quite yet! Luke tried to hold Britlyn as much as he could, trying to soak it all up I guess! For the most part i felt ok there as long as I didn't think about the goodbye part that was coming!Then Luke started handing me all the paper work and stuff that I would maybe need to prove that he was deployed and I knew after that it was time! He handed me the paper work, Picked up his daughter, and said," OK! Are you ready?" and he walked us out to the car! That walk, was one of THE WORST walks I have ever walked in my life! As soon as we made it out of the building i LOST it!! I was kinda walking behind him and Britlyn, and as i watched him walk...my heart hurt, it was torn! There is nothing that can describe how i felt at that moment that i watched him in uniform, walk to the car with her in his arms! We got to the car, I put my stuff down, and He told britlyn that Daddy was going away for a long long time! He told her that he loved her so much and to be good for mommy! I told her to give him a big hug so she did and he just held her there for a moment! It was like my world froze right there! I don't remember any sounds that were around, no cars driving by, i just sat and watched my little girl hug her daddy for the last time for a long time! He gave her a big kiss and then put her in the car! He came up to me and just held me! I cried so hard and I didn't want to let go! We didn't say much, we just held each other and cried! (yes he cried, probly the 3rd time i've actually ever really seen him cry hard) i was so scared for what was to come and to be wrapped in his arms was so comforting! He always made me feel so safe! Im sure going to miss those arms wrapped around me! I just burried my face into his chest (yes im short) and cried a good cry! Then....his chief started yelling his name....time for a group picture! So he kissed me, said i love you and that was it! He started walking off! i got in the car and just sat there as I watched my soldier walk back to the building! I had so many things running through my head and I just wanted him to able to come back to the car! I just kept thinking how long it was going to be until I saw him again, until he could hold Britlyn again! I couldn't even imagine how he must have felt walking back there! He was all alone, he didn't have Britlyn to help comfort him, He wouldn't have family to help him get through it! I knew how heartbroken and lonely I felt and how crushed I was, I couldn't even imagine how he must have felt! I had uncontrolable emotions! i tried to be strong so Britlyn wouldn't get scared or anything, but i couldn't help it! When we couldn't see him anymore we drove away and it was a horrific drive home! All i could think about was how empty our house was going to be without him! I tried to think of every place I could to go besides home, but I was such a wreck from crying I couldn't really go anywhere! On the drive home, Britlyn said, Mommy...you ok? Daddy hurt you?? i guess she thought that since I was outside the car with daddy and then I got in and was crying like a baby, she thought dady must have done something but I explained to her that i was not hurt and i didn't have any owies and she said, oh, daddy give you lots of kisses and loves? I said yes, Daddy is going to go away for a long long time to work so he gave mommy lots of loves and kisses! After that she was ok and everytime I would cry she would ask me if I was ok and then tell me daddy gave me lots of loves and kisses! It was a long day, but and an even worse night! but we made it through and luckily he just flew to vegas for the next couple weeks so he still has a cell so we can still talk! but that doesn't make him being gone any easier! We know daddy is doing something amazing for this wicked world and we hope that we will be able to gain something out of this trial! i hear a quote yesterday that instantly brought me to tears (yes i cry about EVERYTHIGN now) but Today's trial, is Tomorrow's Testimony! People ask me how i do it, and tell me I'm amazing, but im not any different than any one else! I wouldn't be doing this if i had a choice, I just have to understand that the lord put this in our life to help us gain something out of it, and I just hope that I am able to do that! I hope I can get out of it what he wants me to. There is not going to be a day that isn't hard, but if I take it one day at a time, and try to not do it alone without the spirit then I will be able to get through this! My heart aches for my children and their daddy! Of course Im alone, but really I am blessed in this situation! It takes more courage to leave your family and know your going to miss the birth of your son, than it does to get left and not have to miss a day of anything! I felt really sorry for myself at first, but then I realized all the good i still have and how it could be alot worse! Of course the pain doesn't go away and I'm still lonely and miss him more than anything, but I have great great friends, and family that I have to love me and help me through this! He has no one! Please remember him in your prayers! Here are a few pictures of him and Britlyn at the supply building where we dropped him off at!
11 comments:
I cried through this whole post. I'm glad you wrote it down and journaled it somewhere because one day when it's all over, you'll look back at these words, remember how you felt, and be able to see how your testimony grew from it. That quote is awesome by the way, I've never heard it and I'm going to write it down for me to remember. And you truly are an amazing person, Shi. You are such a good wife and great mom. I wish we were closer to each other so our kids could play and we could get all fat and pregnant together, but mostly so I could learn from your example and strength in person. You, Luke, and little Britlyn have been on my mind and in my prayers the past several days and I continue to pray that Heavenly Father will continue to buoy you up through this. Lots of love, Casie (Sorry to write you a novel.) :)
Hey Shianne..Your gonna do just great ..Just think one day gone is one day closer to him..I was teary eyed..Your gonna be ok..Its great you blogged it down....Well please feel free to comment if you want to talk...You do have friends and family that will help you.. :) Your gonna be ok..I wish I could jump though and give you a hug...:) Our heavenly father will watch over him and he will come home to you safe and sound..I will pray for you and Luke and your babies...:)
Shianne...Luke is also our Hero. What a huge sacrafice he is making for our country. We love you and are here for you!! Your litle family will be in our prayers every night. Call us for anything....
Wow. I'm bawling. Your story really brings the war home and puts a personal face on the sacrifice of leaving families behind to serve one's country. I am SO thankful to Luke and to you and Britlyn (and baby) for sharing him for the good of all of us. Hang in there - sure wish I was there to give you a hug!
Oh man...I'm a wreck now. I bawled like a little baby through that whole post. I am so grateful for Luke and his willingness to serve our country. You are truly amazing. You are such a strong woman, and such a great example to me. We are here for you and will help you and Brit get through this. I know I have told you, but if you EVER need to just go to the store, or take a break, LET US KNOW. Lincoln would be thrilled to have Brit come over and play. I love you so much! Talk to you soon!
Shi.... wow I am really speachless. that post was so amazing, I love you girl... and i really dont normally cry when reading posts but I sure did with yours.. You Luke and Britlyn and your new little one will for sure be blessed in your trials.. Hope things get better.. I know that Heavenly Father loves you and your adorable family. remember that he is always there for you..
Shianne -
Like everyone else that has or will read this post I was truly touched. I started crying when I read the title as I knew what this post would entail. You are amazing! I too am so grateful for all of you and the sacrifice you are ALL making so that Luke can be where he is and defending the freedom that we all enjoy. I sure hope this time passes quickly as I can only imagine how hard it is to be apart, especially with having a little one to care for and being pregnant. Wish we were closer so that we could help. You are all in our thoughts and prayers!
Shianne, this is Jenna Robison. I cried through that whole post. I know I haven't seen you in a very long time, but I am so amazed at how strong a person you are. I know (through personal experiences) that Heavenly Father will never give anyone something they cant handle, even if its hard at the time, you will be able to get through it a much stronger person. I know how it is not to have your husband around for a long time, and it was so so hard. But as time pasted, I learned to let God lead my life and he became my best friend, everything that I would tell Dustin I told him. My heart aches for you. I wish the best for you and your family!
Shianne, even though you say you're like everyone else, I still say you are doing everything that I could not do. And your husband is doing the job that no one else WILL. Luke is a hero, and you are a hero to be a strong, loving mother to his children while he's away, serving our country. I don't think there's anything that I can say that could make you feel any better, because life is what it is, and right now it's really hard for you. But I love you and I think of you and your little family daily, and I pray for you all. Call me or text me or email me whenever you need to!
I too cried while reading this post. YOu guys have been in my prayers and am thankful for the sacrifice that Luke and others are doing for our country. WHat a blessing and selfless act! You are lucky to have Britlyn with you, she'll help the time pass more quickly for you. We'd love to have you come over. Send me your phone number.
Love
Karen
Shianne this is Lacey Stanworth I'm not sure if you remember me, but I just wanted to say I cried through this whole post and must say you are such a strong person. I don't think I would be able to endure. You and your family are in our prayers.
On a side note do you live in Az. I live in Gilbert and heard you live down here somewhere. If you are interested we should get together sometime.
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